Telling Myself the Truth...About Myself

One of best benefits of being out of the organization, is being able to really be truthful with myself about how I feel about things, and to be okay with those feelings. The cognitive dissonance was real. We were trained to dissassociate from our actual emotions and thoughts and insert their group thinking at every turn. There was a subtlety to it. They wouldn't just say, "Hey you better not say blah blah blah," or, "We want you all to believe such-and-such." Nah. The paragraphs instead started with, "True Christians understand that..." or "Those of faith do well to..." and after reading sentences like that over and over you begin to do whatever follows those little dots because how could you not want to be true and faithful? Looking at that now is a bit nauseating TBH.

Anywho, you basically had two options, be one way in public and another at home and with your trusted squad (Fellow Former Double-Lifers, whhaaat uuup!) or turn into a diluted version of yourself. Either way you were expected to perform with the same level of integrity as if you were allowed to be your true authentic self. Whew, the shit was exhausting.

Educated people know that that kind of lifestyle is more-or-less impossible to maintain unless you're a narcissistic person. (See what I did there?) These days I'm honest with myself all day and wouldn't have it any other way. I have flaws, but I have gifts. I'm dope. I have an amazing family. My circle is tight. I'm allowed to brag sometimes! Crazy what a difference being able to exude confidence makes. And what's also crazy is that we were in an organization that didn't allow you be proud of yourself or take credit for accomplishments. Anytime something good happened, it was considered a blessing from Jehovah. He had to be credited in part or in totality, that was one of the things a "true Christian" was supposed to do. Hey btw, check out this quick list of ways cults employ control.

Sound familiar? It's because I've just explained the first two bullets in an anecdotal way. The fun really begins when get into the next two. Stay tuned.